I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
