You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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