You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
