Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
