Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
