She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
