i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
