I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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