so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
