Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I need moral support for this bender
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
