yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
