its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
