I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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