It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
