First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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