Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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