Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
