Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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