I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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