You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
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Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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