Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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