My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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