I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
