I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
