So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
