I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
