My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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