he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
