after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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