Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
