Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
