we have pet lesbian snakes
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
