Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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