I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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