My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
