I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
