So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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