i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
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She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
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We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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