I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
