Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
These tits shall not be calmed
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
