I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
