there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
