Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
