apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
