I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
