You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
