I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Randomize
