i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
