I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
