I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
