i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
