i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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