i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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