I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
