I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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